If your parents shamed you often and punished you harshly, it's likely that, as an adult, you quickly feel self-protective whenever you see someone upset and angry about something. The reasons for defensiveness are myriad and important to understand, but they don't take away the need to learn how to rewire ourselves away from the impulse to immediately self-protect.
The cost to our intimate relationships when we aren't willing to protest whether out of fear, self-doubt, an impulse to people-please, and so on is that we literally make it impossible for the issues in the relationship to heal. The relationship begins to smolder with resentments that undermine us in ways they wouldn't if expressed freely in the first place. Remember this when you're thinking of burying issues under the rug instead of dealing with them.
Relationships give us opportunities to grow in ways that make us more loving, accepting, and whole. Learning to hear our partners complaints with curiosity and openness not only deepens the connection between us but helps us be more open in all of our relationships. Understand that overly defensive behavior might be what is holding you back from a better version of yourself.
Our FREE doctor-approved gut health guide. You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome email in your inbox! Main Navigation. Log in Profile. Saved Articles. Contact Support. Log Out. Your cart is empty. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. Explore Classes. Love 12 Truths About Defensive Behavior. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Linda Carroll is a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified life coach currently living in Oregon.
She received her master's degree in counseling from Oregon State University and has practiced psychotherapy since Last updated on February 24, Defensiveness is an impulse. All relationships experience defensiveness sometimes. Being honest is not the same as being defensive. Conflict allows for reconnection and more. One way to move past defensive behavior is to acknowledge it. Our brains are wired for both connection and defensiveness.
Withdrawal is not actually a great way to protect ourselves. We all need to be able to receive criticism. Some people are more prone to defensive behavior than others.
Your childhood history has a lot to do with how you respond to criticism. Resentment doesn't do us any good. Then on breaks, he would provide me a copy of the articles he had found.
As this man continued to be confrontational and disruptive during our session, my frustration with him grew until I found myself responding to him in a negative way. At the next break, I approached him privately and asked him if he could be more sensitive and respectful to others. Still he continued this disruptive behavior until the second afternoon. That did it. It seemed like he was more interested in drawing attention to himself and his expertise rather than contributing to the learning experience of everyone.
We will all have experiences where we will feel defensive or encounter someone who is. Here are six factors that can help us understand why a person may become defensive. What to Do: Recognize when people feel threatened they will display lack of eye contact, turn away, not speak up, push away, or avoid others and disengage. Be patient with them. Express interest in their ideas and continue to invite them to share their views. What to Do : When someone is resistant, begin by trying to understand their position and experience by asking questions and listening to their responses.
During this process, you must be fully present and patient with the person. The more you ask and listen, the greater the respect and rapport will be increased. When that rapport is established, gently tell the person that you have had a different experience and ask for permission to share that experience. When you finish, ask them what they think about what you have shared. If they express no desire to understand your perspective, be patient, wait for another opportunity, and keep trying.
If you can get someone to share the reason behind their defensiveness, you will learn about the importance a person places on certain issues. This will help you understand how to best address their real or perceived dangers. Stay calm. What to Do: If you must provide feedback to someone, do it privately. Provide data or examples of an issue that you need to resolve. Summarize your understanding to establish mutual clarity between you and the other person.
Create a plan to address what results you would like to improve or change. What to Do : If you are the person feeling embarrassed, then you will want to explore the source of your feelings. Ask meaningful questions. Deep down, it might be the little kid feeling as if they are not good enough and they need your compassion. Is there something I said that makes you feel like you need to protect yourself? Did my comment make you feel attacked or hurt in any way?
But losing your cool just adds fuel to the fire, Estes said. Sometimes, you can do all the right things to have a constructive conversation—watch your words, be vulnerable—and the other person still gets defensive. Remember that defensive behavior can stem from deeper issues, which have more to do with the person, than with your approach.
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