You decide that is a lousy way to treat you, and if she really wants forgiveness, she knows how to get in touch with you. Why the lie? It helps to know the reason behind the lie, if there is one. Sometimes the reason is selfish and petty. If you can understand the reason behind the lie, it may clarify to you whether you can forgive or not.
For example, some people grew up not knowing they were adopted because adoptive parents wanted them to feel just as valued as biological children. It still may be hurtful, but it may help to understand it was in an attempt to protect you. You can forgive a selfish lie. Your friend may have lied about taking your shoes, but if she came clean and made amends, it may be easier to forgive her. It is usually up to the liar to explain the lie. In general, the person who lied to you needs to explain why he or she lied.
Younger children, special needs individuals, and the like sometimes may require a caregiver to help moderate this conversation. Is the other person sorry? If the lair is contrite, that is a factor often in favor of forgiving the liar. But that does not mean you must or even should. Some factors to consider: It is OK to forgive and still be angry. You might forgive your little sister for lying about eating your chocolate, but you can still be angry about it.
If a person lies, and is unrepentant about it, you are under no obligation to forgive. If the liar is sorry, you still do not have to forgive.
Generally it is a good idea to do so, but the choice is yours. Forgiveness is not automatic just because the other person is sorry. Sometimes truly deceitful people will sometimes pretend to be sorry. If there is reason to believe this is the case, be careful. Even if the other person is genuinely sorry, some grave matters may not or should not be forgiven in the sense of "everything between us completely is all right again".
For instance, if you are sexually assaulted, you have every right to cut off all contact and be angry at that person even if you move on with your life.
Is he or she willing to make amends? Sometimes there are actions a person can make to help repair the damage he or she has made. This can go a long way to earning your forgiveness. This request can be made by you or the other person.
The action should make logical sense, be roughly proportional to the misdeed, and make your situation whole. For example: Your friend has to also come clean and apologize to another friend affected by a lie. Your cousin has to pay for the replacement bike seat.
Your camp bunk-mate is the one that has to get a pie to the face at Skit Night for lying about who left the fake spider on the toilet. Everyone lies. It is just a fact of the human condition. Everyone bends or breaks the truth sometimes -- nobody is immune. Even you. You have lied and have been forgiven in the past.
And it is something that is necessary when dealing with people. Forgiving means "moving on". Forgiving means that you are willing to move on from the offending act. You are willing to give the person another chance. It means you are looking forward to the future rather than dwelling on the past. You don't have to act as if the lie never happened. Repeated lies or other offensive actions are something you can and should monitor, and increasingly be less forgiving about.
This is especially true if the person who hurt you is attempting to make amends and seek forgiveness; it's more difficult if your partner is not remorseful. But even then, you may find value in offering forgiveness. No healthy relationship, especially a marriage, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a practice of releasing feelings of resentment.
Forgiveness can provide you and your partner with the tools to process and move on. Even though you may find it find it difficult, being able to forgive is crucial for the long haul. If your spouse abuses you , continues to betray or lie to you, or makes no real effort to change their behavior, then it may be time to say enough is enough.
This behavior calls for you to seriously evaluate your marriage. When there is enough evidence that these major concerns are not going away, despite your effort to forgive, it may be time to think about separation or divorce.
According to psychiatrist Karen Swartz, MD, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. In situations where there was an extended period of abuse or betrayal, but it is no longer occurring, forgiveness for the past hurt may take longer, and that is OK. You both must be open to talking about it and continuing to process it. Your process might even include seeking guidance from a licensed professional counselor or other mental health professional.
Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Ann Behav Med. Front Psychol. Published Sep 4. Sandler L. The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Johns Hopkins Medicine. After all, we get close to people based on trust. And lying violates that trust, leaving us feeling betrayed.
Start with being honest about how you feel. And, if you want to talk to the person who lied to you about your feelings, you are allowed to give yourself time to process your feelings in private until you are sure you can re-engage with them without blowing up or saying something you might regret. But it is possible. The feeling of betrayal we have when we are lied to is very isolating.
But I want to reassure you, you are not alone in your struggle to forgive. Forgive him for not fighting for you like you would fight for him, forgive him for not loving you as much you love him. The man who puts you down constantly, emotionally and mentally. The man who makes everything your fault, the man who makes you feel ordinary, the man who makes you feel less than you actually are.
Forgive him for not overwhelming you with his problems in his personal life, at work, or just in general. Forgive him for thinking you are going to do him like everyone else did.
Forgive him for allowing his past experiences shape his future instead of enhancing it. Forgive him for not being completely healed or ready for love. Forgive him for not putting effort in looking good for you or just to impress you. Help him whenever you can. Encourage him to do the things he loves and is passionate about the most.
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